HUMOR: Gambling Jokes

1. Never wink at the dealer especially if he's the same sex.

2. Don't bring your silver dollar yo-yo near the slot machines.

3. Don't drink and gamble at the same time. Put the drink down first.

4. Know when it's time to go home - when you've won too much.

5. Don't call for a ball measurement after losing a roulette spin.

6. Don't stack your slots coin tubs on top of the machine just to show off.

7. Don't flip chips capriciously onto the poker table from 5 feet away and say "let
   it ride."

8. Don't try to psyche out the blackjack dealer by staring at him for 5 minutes.

9. Don't stand up and cheer on your horse at the Sega horse racing game.

10. Don't ask if they oil the blue dog at the Sega horse racing game.

11. Don't chew big ice cubes at the craps table.

12. Don't ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice.

13. Don't ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported.

14. Don't ask the guy next to you if he can break a five.

15. Don't ask security where the pinball machines are.

16. Don't ask the cashier for change for the condom machine.
17. Don't say Episcopalian when the cashier asks you which denomination you
    prefer.
18. Don't put your dinner plate on the roulette table.
19. Don't pull out your Hoyle's rule book when the BJ dealer says you can't split an
    8th time.
20. Don't tip the security guard.
21. Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.
22. Don't pretend you're an IRS agent and talk into your cell phone.
23. Don't bother counting cards with your fingers.
24. When the dealer decides to stand, don't say "I'm callin' ya' yella' mister."
25. Don't ask the BJ dealer if he knows any good card tricks.
26. Don't stuff your pockets with big magnets and then play roulette.
27. Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.
28. Don't complain to the pitboss about the dealer's poker face.
29. Don't ask where the play for fun games are.
30. Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I
    join in."
31. If you lose at Blackjack, don't say to the dealer, "okay, okay, double or
    nothing."

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about
whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get
good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" ... "Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food; I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip
won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the
others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the
backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he
walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to
the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a
professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his
pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's
house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he
screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his
friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said
he'd rather die first."

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week
flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to
work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady
flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time
we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I
haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole
time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of
quarters."

   A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino for about an hour,
   and realized she was thirsty. So she went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in
   an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one
   last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

   A man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?" And the sexy blonde said: "Duh!!
   Winning!!!"

   Morning at the casino. Two bored dealers are delighted when an attractive sexy lady
   comes to their crap table and puts down $20,000 down on a single roll of the dice. 

   "I hope you don't mind" she says "but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that she
   removes both blouse and bra.

   She rolls the dice, yelling "Momma needs a new shirt!" Then she jumps up and down and
   hugs the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and
   quickly leaves. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one to them asks,
   "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were
   watching the dice!"

   Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. 
   Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone,  he would go set on the bench and
   wait for the other to finish. Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench.
   He waited and waited and waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, he saw
   Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins.

   "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on
   this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith,
   "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! 
   EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"

   "I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's
   principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
   "Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've
   cured him," he said.
   "How?"
   "Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
   'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 "
   "What happened?" asked the father.
   "Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure
   that'll teach him a lesson."
   "No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with
   your permission by the end of the week!"

   Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to
   borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to
   be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings
   and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

   Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his
   incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and
   if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a
  man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
   dime."

   "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

   A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a
   savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to
   open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

   The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says,
   "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the
   lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

   This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the
   president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his
   office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got
   so much money. She says, "Gambling." 
   "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
   "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got
   $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even
   give you 4:1odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

   The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but
   he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something
   about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I
   wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

   The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing.. and I can afford to
   lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it your way", said the president, and
   they shook hands on it. 
   "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

   Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit,
   and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a
   happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel
   his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had
   checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little
   old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. 

   "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. 
   "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" 
   "No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still
   unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. 
   "Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally!
   Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her
   position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him
   and reaches out to feel the organs in question. 
   "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As
   she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
   "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. 
   "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him
   that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

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