HUMOR: Lawyer Jokes

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car
expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door,
the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the
barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten
minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered
exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep
in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.
However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying
"There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my
religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem
sleeping with animals. Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and
the cow entered...

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down
the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would
swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on
the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he
would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the
priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll
give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger
seat, and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved
to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he
was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he
didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that
lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of
the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we
have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the
one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are
quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer
through it...

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed
sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling
up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him
with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things
for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your
clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a
hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their
children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said,
"What's the catch?"

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the
doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip
flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it
away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police
leave," replied the attorney.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the
quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for brain?" "4 dollars an
ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much
more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

 A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of
meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's
owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose
and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for
$8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be
the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting
idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had
an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it, "And you tell them that we won't
accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that
amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning,
Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here
to connect your phone."

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was
doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught
fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor
replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed,
and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he
asked, "how do you start a flood?"

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few
minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This
routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the
bartender he’d had enough. The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the
pocket business?” “Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he
starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the
car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and
said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out his window and said, “No,
you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the
doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip
flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it
away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure, after the police
leave,” replied the attorney.